Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try to do something, it NEVER goes right for me. Ever. Not to sound negative (because if there is one thing that I despise, it is negativity), but it's true. I am an extremely superstitious person. I believe that if there is someone in the world that does not wish you well; and I mean SERIOUSLY wishes only ill things upon you, they will happen to you. And lately, I have been getting this strange feeling that a lot of people that I know would rather see me fail than find success. All the while hoping that I am still rooting for their success. It's not fair. It's personally draining me. To the point where I no longer care about anything. It's like I have become completely numb. And I know (yet don't know) exactly why.

Maybe I need some rest.
Or a vacation.


Oh well.

Goals...

I was told today that you are more likely to achieve your goals if you write them down.

Wow. I guess I need my notebook, huh?

Just to let you know.

You’re constantly calling on me and I am ALWAYS there for you.
I'm always there for you doing what you need me to do.
Whether or not it is something small, or big,
I'm always down. It's 'no big'
DEAL.
I think it's time that we came to make one.
Because honestly I'm drained, I'm done.
With you, with this,
with stressing unnecessarily over you and your stupidity
Thinking that you are the only one in the world with problems
(Like you've got any in the first place)
When in fact your 'problems' are grains of SAND
Compared to the BOULDERS that exist around you.
Maybe it's time for you to experience a natural disaster.
Will that wake you up?
Or at least humble you?
Because seriously, hah, I'm FED UP with your naivety.
Taking advantage of my kindness
Mistaking it for weakness
Thinking I will continue to take your greediness
And pass it off as neediness.
HAHA, what do you take me for?
A fool?
A sap? A pushover? A DUMBASS?
I'm not dumb. I'm not deaf. I'm not blind.
In fact, my senses are QUITE FINE, thank you.
I hear, feel and see everything you say and do.
You’re never there when I need you to be
Yet you expect it from me, and quite frankly I find that to be
Ridiculous. Like you.
I’m remembering the times when you criticized and ridiculed me,
Then later on you bite off my style as if it was exclusively
Yours.
Honey, you're seriously jacking my identity.
Should I contact the FB...
...I? am so completely fed up. I've had it.
I'm done.
So continue to complain about absolutely nothing.
The things that annoy you.
Feel free.
Because you know what, sometimes you annoy me.
And to be quite honest, I'm done with caring.
I'm done with sharing.
I'm drained, I'm tired, and I am ready to just live my life.
Drama-free.
Which is pretty much the opposite of you, sorry.
So here's some words of advice from yours truly:
Watch yourself, you just might offend me.

I just realized...

I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life.
And that scares me.

How do you act asian?

I'm not sure if this is a popular 'fad' going around, but I have a formspring.me account. If you are not sure what a formspring.me account is, let me tell you right now: it has no purpose. It is some website where you ask stupid questions to people, and they have to answer it. That's all.
Like I said, no point to it. Though there is no point, it can be fun at times. SOME times.

ANYWAY. I was checking my account the other day, and I find that I had a new question. (WHOA.) So I read this question, and seriously...the soundtrack in my mind shut off for a second. This question was:

"Why the fuck do you try to act asian?"

Really?

You've got to be kidding me.

Seriously, I was not sure what to feel. I was angry (at first), followed by a rush of sadness, back to anger, and then a sense of disgust. Why would someone ask me that? (not like this was the first time I've been asked that question...but it was the first time I saw it in writing. ANONYMOUSLY, might I add.)
So I responded to this question as truthfully as I could: "Uhm. I don't."
Which is the truth. I don't. -_-;

Yes, I will admit I am into asian culture (mainly Korean and some Japanese). Yes, I can read/understand some Korean but that does NOT mean I am TRYING TO BE ASIAN. People around me (I feel) fail to notice that I have other interests, too. All they focus on is "Oh my God, Jemila likes asian stuff....and SHE'S NOT ASIAN. AHHH!!!"
What the fuck. -_-
I don't go around to people saying things like "Oh my God, you are listening to Tupac...and you're NOT BLACK. THAT'S NOT COOL!" Or "WHOA, you're eating pasta, BUT YOU'RE NOT ITALIAN!"


Seriously...How stupid does that sound?
In my view, you cannot 'act' asian unless you ARE asian. You cannot 'act' black unless you are black. You cannot act white unless you are white...etc. End of story.

I just wish that everyone could understand that. Sorry that I like to expand my horizons and learn about other cultures. Should I act according to the way people expect me to act? No...that would be very bad.

I can go on and on about this...but I'll leave that for another entry. Just wanted to rant a little bit.

Random realization...

I was watching Tarzan...I never realized how beautiful of a story it had.
Just saying.

Lesson Learned

Mistakes…Everyone makes them. Some are big, some are small…some you can fix, some you can’t. It’s just a way of life. I have made so many mistakes in my life. I have done things that I should not have. I have seen a lot of things that I should not (at this age) yet see. Biggest mistake(s) in my life: I have trusted people I should not have. Too easily. All in all, I am most definitely NOT the ideal person. No one is, after all.
What is a mistake, anyway? According to the dictionary, it states:
MISTAKE:
–noun
1.
an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2.
a misunderstanding or misconception.
–verb (used with object)
3.
to regard or identify wrongly as something or someone else: I mistook him for the mayor.
4.
to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand; misinterpret.
–verb (used without object)
5.
to be in error.


I know, you might be thinking: “Damn, what’s with this extremely emo introduction? Is she insane?”
No, I am not.
I have simply had a change in thinking.
I realize that I am a very complicated person. When I say complicated, I mean that I am always thinking for other people, because they seem to make the wrong decisions. However, when it comes to me, I end up making the EXACT same mistakes that those people made. I am a hypocrite. Why? It’s simple. I am a very impulsive person. I act without thinking. No…actually, I act, THEN think. I find it to be a problem that is growing too big for me to bear. I need to make some changes in my life. FAST. Not really fast…but NOW.
Why am I coming to this realization now? Actually, I did not come to this just now. This, along with other things has been on my mind for a long time. So long that I find myself becoming frustrated easily. I explode at someone over the stupidest things (i.e. they ask me a simple question). I cry over the slightest, nonthreatening things (i.e. dropping my food on the floor). Is it because I am depressed? I don’t think so…I think that It’s as if I let everything build up to a point where I cannot hold my emotions in anymore.
I don’t know. I have been feeling like this for awhile. Again, it’s because of a mixture of things. My main thing that I am talking about today though is mistakes. Back in September, I went to some party. (HEY HEY COLLEGE…-_-) Anyways, I did not really feel comfortable going to this party, because my roommate invited me to go out with her. Now, let me give you some background information:
My roommate is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of me. She is the spanking image of a Barbie doll (blonde, has her own personal wardrobe, everyone does everything for her…etc..). The only difference between her and the doll is that MY ROOMMATE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO SHUT HER MOUTH. She is always making some racist joke, or whatever. I ignore it, most of the time. But usually, I speak out.
Anyways, we go out to this party. (It’s her friend’s friends’ house…I knew NONE of them…mistake number one.) There’s drinks. There’s also music. YAY FOR MUSIC!!! Anyways, I realize something: I was the ONLY non-white person there. (Mistake number two. I thought that shit was shady as fuck, but…) My roommate says “I like it that way, you stand out!” Hah, No. So I get a text from some of my friends from High School (thank God) and they were visiting my campus (because they attend a different college). So they wanted a party to go to. Granted, my roommate was telling me, “JEMILA ONLY YOU CAN COME, NO GUYS!” Thank God that I did not listen. Anyways, I end up getting ‘piss drunk’, and eventually pass out. The rest of this night is forever forgotten. I wake up at the hospital the next morning, and I see my mother and my father sitting at my bed. (because at this time, I was 17, and if I am hospitalized, parental units must be contacted) Apparently, I had suffered from alcohol poisoning, and I had also been drugged with codeine. Codeine + Alcohol = COMA. I was so lucky that my old friends were there to take care of me while I was in that disgusting state. I am forever shamed, and I will NEVER forget that moment.
Worst thing is: When I asked my friends (after thanking them, of course..) what had happened, they told me that my ‘new friends’ from college just looked at me as if I was disgusting and left me to (potentially) die. These two guys (my old friends) carried me out of the house, and let me vomit all over them (EWW GROSS), and then when I was unresponsive, took me to the hospital. I have never known the true meaning of friendship until that moment occurred. Best part, WE STILL TALK.
I learned from this HUGE mistake by thinking of what could have happened. What is they were not there? I think that I would be dead. If not dead, still in a coma. I thank God for this, because prior to this incident, I was not a very religious person. My mother says that God acts in strange ways…and he calls people in the most bizarre ways as well. It is indeed a lesson learned.
This mistake is one of the many things that have been haunting my mind. I feel that once I write this down for people to see, maybe then will people (as well as I) will finally understand my complicated mind.


I’ll post what else is on my mind once I myself can clear out my thoughts and write them out in a way that will make sense.